Seeking: Extroverted child of introverted parents

[beth_leonard]

I remember some time ago one of my friends posting in their blog that they were the extroverted child of introverted parents, in the Myers-Briggs, "where do you get your energy?" sense of the words. Now I can't remember who it was who said this. If it was you, I'd love some tips for the introverted parent of an extroverted toddler. What does he need most? How can I meet those needs without going insane?

He's wonderful for about the first hour or two that I'm watching him, and then I just need to recharge, but he keeps wanting more Mommy time and attention. We have "family play time" from after family dinner at 6 until bed time at 8pm where both parents focus on the kids, but during the long afternoons I'd like to find a way to have some time not directly interacting with him while still meeting his needs.

--Beth

Comments

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

Talk to moominmolly.

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

To clarify -- moominmolly and her husband are introverted parents of an extroverted toddler (somewhat younger than yours). But it's something she's thought about a lot.

[zathrus.livejournal.com]

I was a bit more fortunate in one respect -- my extrovert is my second child, so he's always had an older sister around to play with. As Amber becomes a possible playmate for Peter, this will help.

You can start encouraging him to interact with her in various ways now -- I remember that T. was only a few months old when I started asking D. to "read" him a book during those times when I was trying to get something done (usually supper) and he was starting to want attention again. It helped her feel useful, and it kept him entertained for an extra 5 minutes or so. (Note: At the time, D. obviously could not read, and was in fact only just starting to talk. He still loved the attention, and I think it helped start his love of books, which are still one of the few ways available to get him to sit still.) I'm sure there are other possible variations on the theme.

Depending on how much time you need to recharge, it could also be helpful to set up a predictable pattern of interaction and recharging -- for example, a pattern of playing together for one game or one hour or whatever, then him cleaning up or playing independently for 10-15 minutes while you check email (or whatever), then you'll be available to do stuff together again. If the pattern's predictable, he can be more confident that he'll get more time with you without having to beg for it right now. Or, maybe you and Jon could trade off some with this, if the schedule allows.

Let me know if you find some good solutions!

Newt

[beth_leonard]

It is in particular the pre-dinner hour that is most difficult. Made more difficult by Daddy tutoring a client in the room next to the kitchen, so we have to keep quiet. I also have to keep the baby safe. He does love to hug her. Sometimes she doesn't love that so much.

Predictable patterns could work. I will have to try that. Today he got a fever after nap time, so I'll start something after I'm sure he's feeling better.

--Beth

[geofizzgirl.livejournal.com]

Ok, this might not be as easy as I make it sound, but I had Karen working with me in the kitchen starting around her second birthday.

Can you maybe enlist his help in getting dinner ready? That way he can have the time interacting with you that he needs, while still allowing you to accomplish what needs to be done.

Two year olds can:
*Wash lettuce, spin in the salad spinner (or shake in a bag with paper towels), and tear the lettuce.
*Wash veggies.
*Cut mushrooms with a plastic knife.
*Get things out of the fridge and pantry.
*Mix things in a bowl (pick a larger bowl than you would ordinarily choose to avoid too much spilling due to enthusiastic stirring)
*Set the table -- at least get napkins and silverware on the table
*Draw a place mat for everyone.
*Taste pasta to see if it's cooked.

[beth_leonard]

Thanks! It's easy to forget how much they can do when I concentrate on what he can't do. I need to rember to start dinner earlier to allow time for training. That's a big point in the Positive Discipline books, I just need to do it.

--Beth

[zathrus.livejournal.com]

I hear you on the pre-dinner and safety issues! The crock pot is a wonderful help for the pre-dinner hour -- it moves the real cooking time to the morning. My other favorite trick when T. was a baby was to pre-chop everything at the earliest convenient time -- i.e., start chopping veggies, meat, etc., for that night's supper in the morning, put them in containers or plastic baggies in the fridge when they were ready to go, and then I could just dump into appropriate pots at the appropriate time and have a hot, stove-cooked meal quickly with very little hassle.

I second Geofizzgirl's comments on getting kids to help you in the kitchen, although I will say that some kids are ready for this much earlier than others -- D. was helping by 18 months, T. not until, well, very recently (he just turned 3). And putting the baby in some sort of wrap/carrier on your back can be helpful, too; gets her out of the way, but still close enough to see lots of activity going on.

Newt

[zogathon.livejournal.com]

I didn't have introverted parents, but hey! I'm an extrovert with an introverted child. Want to trade information? :)

Speaking for myself, anyway, I get energy from interacting with people. I'm told this is typical for extroverts--if Peter is the same way, and you're around, he's going to want to interact with you because it's what makes him feel good. Once he's older, of course, he'll be able to self-entertain when he sees you need a break, but I just don't think 2 year olds have that kind of awareness or capability. When you're done, I'd say you have three options, one of which sounds awful to me: First, you could arrange play dates for each afternoon for an hour or two. (Or even hire a high school student in to play with him--not free, but pretty cheap.) Second, you could provide virtual people to interact with--tv. Third, and this sounds like something I wouldn't be willing to work through, you could start teaching him about Mommy alone time. More work than I'd be up for, but hey! I'm an extrovert. :)

Hope this helps. Now... do you have any advice on what to do with a bored introvert? :)

[beth_leonard]

I just don't think 2 year olds have that kind of awareness or capability.

Sigh. Yes. That probably is the root of the problem. It's not (yet) developmentally appropriate for him to realize that I need some alone time and give it to me when I ask.

It is most difficult in that it is *me* he wants; we tried hiring a babysitter in the afternoons before he started pre-school, and while that did preserve my sanity long enough to find a pre-school for him, it was not as good as I'd hoped because he kept finding me.

The TV is perhaps a tool I should just use more. He didn't have any at all until he turned two, and sparing amounts (2-3 hrs/month) until Amber was born. After she was born we used it more, but it's one of those things that preserves my sanity in the moment and then leaves me feeling guilty later. He also likes to talk about what he's seeing while he watches. Overall this is a good thing, but I'm still in the room. Maybe I should just ditch the guilt and figure that everyone else is doing it, it' can't be that bad, right? A snappy, exhausted Mommy is worse than dancing alphabet shapes and cookie-eating monsters.

Perhaps working with him to take a little more time to himself, with promised mommy-focused time later as Zathros recommended is the right solution, and may even help the night issues. In fact, this really wouldn't be as much of a problem for me during the days (preschool is great) if Peter would sleep by himself all night.

do you have any advice on what to do with a bored introvert?

Jacob's not in pre-school yet, right? Playdates with other parents are great. At this age the children aren't really expected to play with each other, it's more alongside each other, which is great for introverts. I remember spending hours on the back porch with a can of bubbles listening to my mom talk to other moms/dads through the screen door in the kitchen. In bad weather I did play-doh on the kitchen floor. Setting up something regular is nice if you can find someone to do it with. (We've been missing you on Thursdays BTW. Also Happy New Year.)

PS. What are you working on for work now? Did you decide to do photography or something else?

--Beth