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beth_leonardThis is one of those posts I'm making so that I can get some things off my chest so I can sleep. I am debating about whether or not to make it public or private-to-me-only. I don't think I'd put it under my "friends" filter, because I've always believed that if I can't say something face-to-face to someone I shouldn't say it behind their back.
Things I've learned the hard way that I wish I didn't have to know:
1. Cleaning toddler puke out of the Evenflo Triumph 5 is a pain in the neck. (learned: 2 weeks ago)
2. Cleaning toddler puke out of the carseat is easier before it dries. (learned: tonight)
3. Just because I took the directions out of the carseat for the minivan and filed them in the "baby product manuals" file folder does not mean that I've taken the manual out of the other carseat before washing it.
4. other stuff about parenting and being parented that I'm sure will get long and rambly
4. I like the parenting style Jon and I have chosen, and I experienced (again) tonight first hand why lecturing as a parenting style doesn't work.
Tonight Peter and I went up to visit my parents as we try to do nearly every Friday evening. We meet my friend B. there and her son A. because it's on her way home from work and it's a good meeting place. We've been doing this since the boys were 6 weeks old.
It was a great visit and I love it, until we were getting ready to go home. Sometimes (although not as much lately) Peter falls asleep in the car on the way home, so I wanted to put him in an overnight diaper before we got in the car just in case.
I don't remember exactly how it happened as everything happened so fast, but while I was searching for a real diaper (instead of pull-ups or big-boy underpants) in the diaper bag and beginning to try to put Peter in it, Peter got out some coasters from the drawer in the living room. A. got the coasters and started banging them on my mother's nice new expensive wooden toddler height coffee table. It got scratched quite deeply in one spot and less so in a few other spots.
We stopped it as soon as we noticed, but it's hard to control a toddler's every action right before bedtime. My mom was clearly hurt and upset. They've recently spent a lot of time and energy redecorating their home, and it's the first time she's ever really owned extremely nice (and expensive) furniture. I felt pretty bad about it but I didn't know what I could do in the moment other than explain to the boys that they shouldn't bang on the table, and that the table was hurt and this made Grandma sad so they should go give Grandma a hug. Grandma said she felt better when Peter asked if Grandma was happy now, but I could tell she wasn't. I finished changing Peter as I tried to think of what I could do.
As soon as my friend was out the door, my father started lecturing me that if I'm going to bring the boys to their house we've got to keep them out of the living room and not ruin their $3000 table and nice furniture and blah blah blah.
I instantly went from hurt and sad for my mother to angry at him. They didn't bring the toys out this week and there was nothing immediately at hand to distract the boys as we're trying to pack up our stuff. It wasn't Peter who damaged the table it was A. And how was I supposed to know that a coaster was going to hurt a table that badly that quickly. I've never owned a nice piece of furniture in my entire life either. I couldn't look ahead to know that the coaster was going to hurt it.
I didn't say any of that out loud. I just yelled, "I'm sorry Dad. I'm leaving. I'll go home now."
It was just like I was a teenager again and I was being lectured for something I already felt bad about but didn't feel I had any control over. I just wanted to run somewhere and cry. As I write this now and the emotion is coming back I can't stop crying and all the teenage pain is there again. I'm sure the hormones of being 6 months pregnant aren't helping matters. But it hurts. And now I've done enough reading about parenting to know why it hurts and what to do instead of lecturing.
Lecturing/authoritarian parenting just doesn't work for teenage and older kids. It doesn't work well with younger ones either, but the younger ones don't rebel as effectively they tend to cave instead. You impart your values to your children, you tell them how you feel, and when damage is done you work with them to find a solution. I was already trying to think of what I could do. I don't know if furniture restoration places would help, or if we could get a tap plastics cover made for the table because without help it is not possible to contain two active toddlers in a non-child safe environment. That was why my mom always hated my grandmother's house. There was nothing for us children to do. Everything was don't-touch don't break that. The men never helped much and my mom was always tearing her hair out trying to keep nothing from getting damaged by the end of the two week bi-annual visits. I'll never forget my little brother breaking into tears over the milk glass he accidently knocked over during a Christmas dinner one year.
So anyway... I went from feeling sad and trying to think of constructive solutions to feeling angry and hateful and like I never wanted to never bring Peter back again in a matter of seconds.
I had a reminder emotionally why it is that I read the parenting books I read, and why Jon and I try to parent the way we parent, and why it is that it's so important to me that I find a pre-school for Peter that follows these same values. I don't want Peter to have to feel this way. I might mess up from time to time, but overall we've got a plan to avoid it. All this time I'm spending looking at pre-schools is worth it. I'm starting to feel worn out by it, but I was reminded tonight why it is worth the effort because while the words of a outside-the-home caregiver carry less weight than those of one's parents, they still matter.
I was ready to leave then, but Peter asked Grandma to read him the Caterpillar Story like she always does, and we couldn't refuse. On the way home Peter didn't fall asleep. At first he talked about the horse trailer we saw on the way up, but then he talked about the table a lot. I'm not sure if he got car-sick, or if thinking about the incident made him sick to his stomach, or if he's getting stomach flu again. He doesn't have any fever at all.
He started sounding ill after we passed the junction with 101, and he puked a large amount just after we passed the sign telling us our exit was in one mile. I felt so bad for him because we were so close to home I drove the rest of the way but he had to sit covered in puke for almost 3 minutes. He seemed mostly upset that he had gotten his car seat dirty. He asked for some Kleenex to clean it up. Poor little guy. I got most of it out I think. We'll run the laundry tomorrow. It's right next to his room so I don't want to do it now. If I could I'd finish it so he doesn't have to worry about the dirty car seat.
5. If I decide to use the hose attachment to the laundry sink to wash the carseat, and I put the carseat in the sink, the carseat will cause the faucet to swing around to the back. If I stop using the hose attachment before turning off the water, this will cause the faucet to pour water around the back and out of the sink.
Something I'm hoping not to have to learn the hard way is:
6. If I let water sit on top of the 9 years worth of laundry room dryer lint dust-bunny build up, it will mildew instead of drying out. At least I would guess so. So I spent even more time cleaning up this evening than I wanted to.
--Beth
Things I've learned the hard way that I wish I didn't have to know:
1. Cleaning toddler puke out of the Evenflo Triumph 5 is a pain in the neck. (learned: 2 weeks ago)
2. Cleaning toddler puke out of the carseat is easier before it dries. (learned: tonight)
3. Just because I took the directions out of the carseat for the minivan and filed them in the "baby product manuals" file folder does not mean that I've taken the manual out of the other carseat before washing it.
4. other stuff about parenting and being parented that I'm sure will get long and rambly
4. I like the parenting style Jon and I have chosen, and I experienced (again) tonight first hand why lecturing as a parenting style doesn't work.
Tonight Peter and I went up to visit my parents as we try to do nearly every Friday evening. We meet my friend B. there and her son A. because it's on her way home from work and it's a good meeting place. We've been doing this since the boys were 6 weeks old.
It was a great visit and I love it, until we were getting ready to go home. Sometimes (although not as much lately) Peter falls asleep in the car on the way home, so I wanted to put him in an overnight diaper before we got in the car just in case.
I don't remember exactly how it happened as everything happened so fast, but while I was searching for a real diaper (instead of pull-ups or big-boy underpants) in the diaper bag and beginning to try to put Peter in it, Peter got out some coasters from the drawer in the living room. A. got the coasters and started banging them on my mother's nice new expensive wooden toddler height coffee table. It got scratched quite deeply in one spot and less so in a few other spots.
We stopped it as soon as we noticed, but it's hard to control a toddler's every action right before bedtime. My mom was clearly hurt and upset. They've recently spent a lot of time and energy redecorating their home, and it's the first time she's ever really owned extremely nice (and expensive) furniture. I felt pretty bad about it but I didn't know what I could do in the moment other than explain to the boys that they shouldn't bang on the table, and that the table was hurt and this made Grandma sad so they should go give Grandma a hug. Grandma said she felt better when Peter asked if Grandma was happy now, but I could tell she wasn't. I finished changing Peter as I tried to think of what I could do.
As soon as my friend was out the door, my father started lecturing me that if I'm going to bring the boys to their house we've got to keep them out of the living room and not ruin their $3000 table and nice furniture and blah blah blah.
I instantly went from hurt and sad for my mother to angry at him. They didn't bring the toys out this week and there was nothing immediately at hand to distract the boys as we're trying to pack up our stuff. It wasn't Peter who damaged the table it was A. And how was I supposed to know that a coaster was going to hurt a table that badly that quickly. I've never owned a nice piece of furniture in my entire life either. I couldn't look ahead to know that the coaster was going to hurt it.
I didn't say any of that out loud. I just yelled, "I'm sorry Dad. I'm leaving. I'll go home now."
It was just like I was a teenager again and I was being lectured for something I already felt bad about but didn't feel I had any control over. I just wanted to run somewhere and cry. As I write this now and the emotion is coming back I can't stop crying and all the teenage pain is there again. I'm sure the hormones of being 6 months pregnant aren't helping matters. But it hurts. And now I've done enough reading about parenting to know why it hurts and what to do instead of lecturing.
Lecturing/authoritarian parenting just doesn't work for teenage and older kids. It doesn't work well with younger ones either, but the younger ones don't rebel as effectively they tend to cave instead. You impart your values to your children, you tell them how you feel, and when damage is done you work with them to find a solution. I was already trying to think of what I could do. I don't know if furniture restoration places would help, or if we could get a tap plastics cover made for the table because without help it is not possible to contain two active toddlers in a non-child safe environment. That was why my mom always hated my grandmother's house. There was nothing for us children to do. Everything was don't-touch don't break that. The men never helped much and my mom was always tearing her hair out trying to keep nothing from getting damaged by the end of the two week bi-annual visits. I'll never forget my little brother breaking into tears over the milk glass he accidently knocked over during a Christmas dinner one year.
So anyway... I went from feeling sad and trying to think of constructive solutions to feeling angry and hateful and like I never wanted to never bring Peter back again in a matter of seconds.
I had a reminder emotionally why it is that I read the parenting books I read, and why Jon and I try to parent the way we parent, and why it is that it's so important to me that I find a pre-school for Peter that follows these same values. I don't want Peter to have to feel this way. I might mess up from time to time, but overall we've got a plan to avoid it. All this time I'm spending looking at pre-schools is worth it. I'm starting to feel worn out by it, but I was reminded tonight why it is worth the effort because while the words of a outside-the-home caregiver carry less weight than those of one's parents, they still matter.
I was ready to leave then, but Peter asked Grandma to read him the Caterpillar Story like she always does, and we couldn't refuse. On the way home Peter didn't fall asleep. At first he talked about the horse trailer we saw on the way up, but then he talked about the table a lot. I'm not sure if he got car-sick, or if thinking about the incident made him sick to his stomach, or if he's getting stomach flu again. He doesn't have any fever at all.
He started sounding ill after we passed the junction with 101, and he puked a large amount just after we passed the sign telling us our exit was in one mile. I felt so bad for him because we were so close to home I drove the rest of the way but he had to sit covered in puke for almost 3 minutes. He seemed mostly upset that he had gotten his car seat dirty. He asked for some Kleenex to clean it up. Poor little guy. I got most of it out I think. We'll run the laundry tomorrow. It's right next to his room so I don't want to do it now. If I could I'd finish it so he doesn't have to worry about the dirty car seat.
5. If I decide to use the hose attachment to the laundry sink to wash the carseat, and I put the carseat in the sink, the carseat will cause the faucet to swing around to the back. If I stop using the hose attachment before turning off the water, this will cause the faucet to pour water around the back and out of the sink.
Something I'm hoping not to have to learn the hard way is:
6. If I let water sit on top of the 9 years worth of laundry room dryer lint dust-bunny build up, it will mildew instead of drying out. At least I would guess so. So I spent even more time cleaning up this evening than I wanted to.
--Beth
Grandparents and toddlers
Date: 2007-03-09 06:18 pm (UTC)2. Grandparents need to balance the needs of their grandchildren, to run around and investigate the world and play with things, with their desire to Have Nice Stuff. Certainly you feel bad and embarrassed by Peter and A.'s actions, but you know you can't control their actions every minute -- you wouldn't _want_ to -- and your parents bear some of the responsibility.