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Jan. 24th, 2016
5 tips for great conversations
Jan. 24th, 2016 02:46 amSometimes it's easier to write things out than to lie awake thinking about what I'd write. At Peter's parent visiting day, the children were given an optional assignment by the drama teacher to write articles for the newspapers that the kids are going to have printed for the Upper Elementary production of "Newsies." These are filler articles, but they might actually get read. Parents and kids were encouraged to contribute complete articles over the next several weeks that fit the topics "5 tips for..." or "How to..." or "8 Reasons to..." I received the distinct impression she wasn't expecting many submissions, and wordiness is not a problem.
I couldn't help brainstorming and now committing to paper the following tips. Some of these are from college, others are ones I've learned along the way.
5 tips for great conversations
by Peter Leonard's mom
Have you ever walked up to a group of people and felt like they didn't want you there? Have you ever felt uncomfortable and embarrassed talking to someone? or accidentally made someone else feel embarrassed while talking to you? Would you like to become excellent at and comfortable with talking to others? Here are 5 tips for having a great conversation:
#1. The 2-minute linger rule: Whenever you approach a group of people who are already talking, linger and listen without saying anything for at least 2 minutes. Resist the temptation to jump in and say, "Who are you talking about? What happened?" If you linger for 2 full minutes, chances are that just by listening you'll figure out from context what happened. It's like solving a mystery from the clues. If after 2 minutes, you still can't figure it out, or the other people haven't asked what you need, then it's ok to interrupt and ask questions. If you linger before you leap in and talk, people will not look annoyed when you come near them.
#2. The 10-hour looks rule: Never comment on or ask about someone's looks until after you have had 10 hours of conversations with them, unless they bring it up first. This is generally true about people's clothing, but it is especially true about things a person can't change, such as baldness, skin color, physical disabilities, or wearing glasses. If the checkout clerk at the grocery store has a big scar on her cheek, don't comment on it. Even saying something nice like, "That scar makes you look so cool!" can be annoying to the other person, because she probably hears comments like that 10 times a day. Your comment is not unique or helpful. Bite your tongue unless they look seriously ill and you can help.
After you have known a person for a while, and eaten lunch together for an hour a day for 2 weeks -- talked about different things for at least 10 hours -- if you find you still must know about the part of them that looks unique, only then you may comment. If a friend gets a new haircut, it's ok to say, "Do you like your new haircut?" but if you see a stranger with an unusual cut, don't say anything, because you don't know what led to it, and what might make them feel bad.
#3. The pets conversation: If you can't talk about other people's looks, and you don't know them, what can you talk about? Here's a great conversation starter: "This morning my pet...." Fill in the blank with the best thing your pet did all day. "... ate all his food and gave me cute puppy eyes when he wanted more," or "... jumped up on the counter and knocked over a glass of water." Before you've finished speaking, everyone you're trying to talk to will want to share stories of their pets.
#4. The YouTube video conversation: What if you don't have a pet? Surely you've seen a YouTube video. These can be harder to describe, so you might want to practice summarizing it before you join a group and start talking. "Yesterday I saw the funniest YouTube video about a brother and sister who could play the piano while sitting backwards. My sister would never do that with me." If no one else responds with a video that they like, you can add, "What's the best video you've ever seen?" This gets the conversation going and it can branch out to many different topics. People can talk about piano or other YouTube videos.
#5. Listen and make eye contact: Don't forget to listen. Starting a conversation with people you don't know well is wonderful, but make sure that you're not the only one doing the talking. If there are 4 people, you'll be talking at most 1/4 of the time and listening 3/4 of the time. Try to pay attention to what they're saying, and not just thinking about what you'll say next. Trust yourself to say what you want to say when your turn comes. Make eye contact with the person speaking, instead of looking around or looking past them. Even if they're talking to the whole group and not specifically looking back at you, they can tell if you are not interested. They're more likely to look at you and give you another turn to speak when they're done if you're looking directly at them.
...
I feel like it needs a closing sentence, but that will have to inspire me another day.
I couldn't help brainstorming and now committing to paper the following tips. Some of these are from college, others are ones I've learned along the way.
5 tips for great conversations
by Peter Leonard's mom
Have you ever walked up to a group of people and felt like they didn't want you there? Have you ever felt uncomfortable and embarrassed talking to someone? or accidentally made someone else feel embarrassed while talking to you? Would you like to become excellent at and comfortable with talking to others? Here are 5 tips for having a great conversation:
#1. The 2-minute linger rule: Whenever you approach a group of people who are already talking, linger and listen without saying anything for at least 2 minutes. Resist the temptation to jump in and say, "Who are you talking about? What happened?" If you linger for 2 full minutes, chances are that just by listening you'll figure out from context what happened. It's like solving a mystery from the clues. If after 2 minutes, you still can't figure it out, or the other people haven't asked what you need, then it's ok to interrupt and ask questions. If you linger before you leap in and talk, people will not look annoyed when you come near them.
#2. The 10-hour looks rule: Never comment on or ask about someone's looks until after you have had 10 hours of conversations with them, unless they bring it up first. This is generally true about people's clothing, but it is especially true about things a person can't change, such as baldness, skin color, physical disabilities, or wearing glasses. If the checkout clerk at the grocery store has a big scar on her cheek, don't comment on it. Even saying something nice like, "That scar makes you look so cool!" can be annoying to the other person, because she probably hears comments like that 10 times a day. Your comment is not unique or helpful. Bite your tongue unless they look seriously ill and you can help.
After you have known a person for a while, and eaten lunch together for an hour a day for 2 weeks -- talked about different things for at least 10 hours -- if you find you still must know about the part of them that looks unique, only then you may comment. If a friend gets a new haircut, it's ok to say, "Do you like your new haircut?" but if you see a stranger with an unusual cut, don't say anything, because you don't know what led to it, and what might make them feel bad.
#3. The pets conversation: If you can't talk about other people's looks, and you don't know them, what can you talk about? Here's a great conversation starter: "This morning my pet...." Fill in the blank with the best thing your pet did all day. "... ate all his food and gave me cute puppy eyes when he wanted more," or "... jumped up on the counter and knocked over a glass of water." Before you've finished speaking, everyone you're trying to talk to will want to share stories of their pets.
#4. The YouTube video conversation: What if you don't have a pet? Surely you've seen a YouTube video. These can be harder to describe, so you might want to practice summarizing it before you join a group and start talking. "Yesterday I saw the funniest YouTube video about a brother and sister who could play the piano while sitting backwards. My sister would never do that with me." If no one else responds with a video that they like, you can add, "What's the best video you've ever seen?" This gets the conversation going and it can branch out to many different topics. People can talk about piano or other YouTube videos.
#5. Listen and make eye contact: Don't forget to listen. Starting a conversation with people you don't know well is wonderful, but make sure that you're not the only one doing the talking. If there are 4 people, you'll be talking at most 1/4 of the time and listening 3/4 of the time. Try to pay attention to what they're saying, and not just thinking about what you'll say next. Trust yourself to say what you want to say when your turn comes. Make eye contact with the person speaking, instead of looking around or looking past them. Even if they're talking to the whole group and not specifically looking back at you, they can tell if you are not interested. They're more likely to look at you and give you another turn to speak when they're done if you're looking directly at them.
...
I feel like it needs a closing sentence, but that will have to inspire me another day.